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Papa Don’t Preach

I’m 23, single, and unemployed. About as close to the ideal situation to bring a baby into this world as Uranus is to the sun. At least I’m not a teenager. But then again those 16 & Pregnant checks look pretty good right about now. My choice to have this baby really doesn’t effect anyone but me, I’m an adult and I always bounce back on my feet. So why was I so damn scared to tell my parents that their GROWN daughter was pregnant?

I just knew my mother would be disappointed but would get over it. She’d probably cry and look at me with sad, hurt, eyes but then she’d sigh and say “well, I’m here for you.” After an hour of so of playing around singing with my mom and her beau (while they drank I asked “How much do you love me?” She replied with “Why are you pregnant?” I nodded and she walked off laughing. She came back and had a heart to heart about how hard it would be to be a single mother. I cried and told her I”m sorry for disappointing her and she told me I wasn’t and I’d be ok. Just like I imagined, right?

The next morning reality hit. I don’t know if she was just putting on in case her beau overheard our conversation, if she was drunk, or if she just had time to think on it but any comfort I had the night before was gone. She let me know that she wasn’t and couldn’t help me, that I wasn’t welcomed back home, reminded me how low I am in life. Each word a wasp stinging my exposed flesh. I wanted nothing more than to go sit in the closet and cry myself to sleep like I did most of my adolescence and childhood. So much for my fantasy of having her support.

Now as for my dad. My 21 year old half-sister is pregnant too. That didn’t go over well with my father. I got the most irate phone call and actually got fussed at when I took her side a month or so ago. They still aren’t speaking. But I think that’s participial on my sister, her feelings are hurt, as my would be too. I just knew he wouldn’t be supportive, that he’d tell me off and to abort. I’m finally in a good place with him. I don’t want those feelings of being unwanted and mistreated by him that plagued me most of my life to resurface. I’m still stinging from my mom, he doesn’t need to know yet. I’ll keep you updated.

One week closer to the safety zone, one step farther away from any security I had. Making it isn’t easy, and apparently it hurts like hell.

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Whoa! There’s a Baby in There!

Okay, so I knew I was pregnant. Clearblue couldn’t be any darn clearer:

2013-03-23 21.09.22

But here I am sitting by myself still in disbelief by what I just saw and heard. I laid on that table in the dark ultrasound round unsure of how I felt. I was in a place much darker than the room my body rest in and as she searched for my difficult to find left ovary (it’s way up there, trying to mingle with my kidneys I believe) I did some searching of my own. Was I ready for this? What would my family say? How would I support a child? Where would we live? Why the **** isn’t he here? Guess it’s a good thing I re-homed Fresh Prince (my dog). Before I got to capture the next question floating around in my head, my heart stopped and my breath caught in my chest. I heard my baby’s heartbeat. And I melted. I saw her little heart fluttering full of life and any decision I had to make was made. I’m going to be a mom.

Meet Gummy 8 weeks

Meet Gummy
8 weeks

Making it isn’t easy, but I made the choice to be a mom. Time to had morning sickness and fatigue to my list of challenges to overcome.

And gas. And bloating. And irritability. And crying at every 7th Heaven rerun.  Ugh

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Welcome to My World

Here I am stripping myself emotionally naked:2

As long as I can remember there has been nothing particularly special about me. I’m not especially smart or beautiful, I possess no talent worth mentioning, and I’m no good at sports. I’m just me. I’ve never had any strong interest or passions and because of this I guess I’ve lacked drive. Now at the ripe old age of 23 I stand in limbo. I’ve had my share of jobs, none of which I could imagine spending the rest of my life doing. The few things I’ve shown interest in don’t seem like turning them into my profession is a probability. When I think of what I want for my future I don’t picture any career path, instead I imagine feeling loved, wanted, and secure for the first time in my life. But back here on planet Earth here is my reality:

I still haven’t finished college. I’m unemployed. I live like a nomad. I’m lost.

Oh I forgot one more thing: I’m pregnant.

Well, if I lacked motivation before. I think I’ve finally found it and boy oh boy did it come with a hard-set deadline and tons of responsibility. It’s time to tie on my running shoes. I’ve got a reason to make it, but making it isn’t easy.