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Forever Alone

11 weeks and counting

OMG! It has just hit me that I am all alone in this thing. That reality has cloaked me in fear and depression and it seems like the harder I fight in the tighter it wraps around me. It’s just me and my baby and it may be like that for the rest of my life, or until my baby realizes I’m a nut and runs away.

I haven’t heard from my child’s father since the day of my first doctor’s appointment. I knew he didn’t want this baby but as the father of four, I thought he’d understand how much I’d need him during this pregnancy. He has another child on the way with his other children’s mother and I can’t help but think “I bet he hasn’t left her high and dry.” I’m stuck dealing with the fact that he might not be around for this baby. That actually doesn’t bother me as long as he pays up, but the fact that the one person obligated to listen to me whine about my cramps is MIA pisses this little lady off.

Then there’s my parents. I went to home to take pictures for the church directory with my mom. During my little visit she made it perfectly clear that she couldn’t wait to get me back out of her house and that she wasn’t babysitting. She also drove home the fact that my dad is about as stable as a atom missing a couple of protons and that my half-siblings and I barely know each other and my brother is handicapped. I won’t have the support my mother had from my grandparents and my aunts. It’s just me.

I got to thinking I don’t even have one friend I’d trust to watch my little one. What happens if I get sick? Who’ll watch my baby if I have to work weekends? What if I just need a break? And those are the simple questions. I can hire a babysitter or nanny, but will I be alone forever. I know there’s dating after parenthood but I almost feel like damaged goods.

Who wants an ordinary girl with a baby? I’m almost tempted to settle with one of these guys who don’t seem to care that I’m pregnant. Men who don’t truly interest me but are willing to be there for me and my unborn child. I don’t want to learn to love though. I want to feel it. I’m scared I never will. I’m scared that I’ll forever be alone.

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Making it isn’t easy,  especially when you’re doing it alone.