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Papa Don’t Preach

I’m 23, single, and unemployed. About as close to the ideal situation to bring a baby into this world as Uranus is to the sun. At least I’m not a teenager. But then again those 16 & Pregnant checks look pretty good right about now. My choice to have this baby really doesn’t effect anyone but me, I’m an adult and I always bounce back on my feet. So why was I so damn scared to tell my parents that their GROWN daughter was pregnant?

I just knew my mother would be disappointed but would get over it. She’d probably cry and look at me with sad, hurt, eyes but then she’d sigh and say “well, I’m here for you.” After an hour of so of playing around singing with my mom and her beau (while they drank I asked “How much do you love me?” She replied with “Why are you pregnant?” I nodded and she walked off laughing. She came back and had a heart to heart about how hard it would be to be a single mother. I cried and told her I”m sorry for disappointing her and she told me I wasn’t and I’d be ok. Just like I imagined, right?

The next morning reality hit. I don’t know if she was just putting on in case her beau overheard our conversation, if she was drunk, or if she just had time to think on it but any comfort I had the night before was gone. She let me know that she wasn’t and couldn’t help me, that I wasn’t welcomed back home, reminded me how low I am in life. Each word a wasp stinging my exposed flesh. I wanted nothing more than to go sit in the closet and cry myself to sleep like I did most of my adolescence and childhood. So much for my fantasy of having her support.

Now as for my dad. My 21 year old half-sister is pregnant too. That didn’t go over well with my father. I got the most irate phone call and actually got fussed at when I took her side a month or so ago. They still aren’t speaking. But I think that’s participial on my sister, her feelings are hurt, as my would be too. I just knew he wouldn’t be supportive, that he’d tell me off and to abort. I’m finally in a good place with him. I don’t want those feelings of being unwanted and mistreated by him that plagued me most of my life to resurface. I’m still stinging from my mom, he doesn’t need to know yet. I’ll keep you updated.

One week closer to the safety zone, one step farther away from any security I had. Making it isn’t easy, and apparently it hurts like hell.